Sweet Merciful Computer God

Ok so here's the story.

A few weeks ago my computer shat itself and stopped working.
Had to get some mega 1337 jerk to come and tinker with it.
Paid some mega 1337 jerk a bunch of money to do this.
Got lost in the jungle for three days and had to eat my dog to survive.
Its ok now though.
While I'm bruised and battered.
While I'm thin and dogless.
While I'm a little out of pocket.
I'm still very much alive.

Here's a swell little tidbit:
I was informed once, many years ago that a good way to look like you're doing work in an office is to always be carrying a sheet of paper. That way you can always pretend that you're either on the way to the photocopier or coming back from the photocopier.
In my position at my current place of work I am not one to frequent the photocopier. Obviously this leaves me out to dry. So get this; I improvise.
Now what I do to get out of work is drink like 3 cups of coffee in the morning before my shift.
That way I'm visiting the toilet every 15 minutes for the rest of the day, and every 15 minutes for the rest of the day I get a little 'me' time.

You wish you'd thought of this.